


A Very Long Road

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 21:59:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been ten long years... but Sean can't forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Long Road

**Author's Note:**

> This story is from the Waymeet, 'Long Expected Party' challenge. The quote I chose to write about from Fellowship was: 'I don't know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead, in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can't turn back. It isn't to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want - I don't rightly know what I want; but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through, sir, if you understand me.'

Sean inched the treadmill to a steeper incline and nudged the lever that increased the speed. He understood the euphoria that can overcome those who run. His daily workouts weren’t all that strenuous, but the steady pounding of his feet on the moving track and the rhythm of his body as he ran became hypnotic after a while, and lost in this trance-like state his mind was able to drift.

He was meeting Elijah later for dinner. It had been a long time since he’d actually been in the young actor’s presence and to his own annoyance he felt a nerve-numbing jolt of anxiety anytime he thought about their upcoming get-together.

It had been Elijah’s idea, and Sean had accepted the invitation while still thrumming with the shock of hearing Elijah’s voice. Now he wished he had taken more time to consider the request. If he’d waited until he was calmer, he might have had the presence of mind to say ‘no’. And yet… and _yet_.

 _God, he sounded good!_ Sean thought. More than good actually. Way more than good. His voice had taken Sean’s breath in a sudden and shocking rush of both remembrance and longing.

 _I did the right thing!_ Sean told himself angrily for the ten billionth time. _I did the only thing I **could** do!_

A sudden weakness in his knees nearly caused him to stumble, and he quickly forced his mind back to running. Teeth clenched, he ruthlessly increased the treadmill’s speed, running as though his life depended on it. Yet even the intensity of his workout couldn’t still his mind. He remembered. Against his will, against his wishes… against all hope… he _remembered_.

> He and Elijah were alone in the makeup trailer. They had spent most of the day wandering amidst Styrofoam rocks in a parking lot made over to look like the Emyn Muil, and though the scenes weren’t difficult and required little acting skill, boredom and lethargy had left them both exhausted.
> 
> “You OK?” Sean asked. “Can I get you anything?”
> 
> Elijah shook his head and began to undress, slowly peeling away bits and pieces of Frodo until all that was left was a sylph-like figure dressed in briefs whose skin glowed with an almost supernatural beauty.
> 
> They had undressed in this makeup trailer hundreds of times in the past year. This was nothing new on movie sets and normally Sean was experienced enough to feel completely comfortable with seeing fellow actors lounging about in various stages of undress.
> 
> But nothing could have prepared him for the mutual trust and affection that steadily grew between he and Elijah over the long months of filming _Lord of the Rings_. His friendship with his young co-star had become one of the most intimate relationships in his life. Caught off-guard by his own need, he found himself constantly yearning for Elijah’s presence.
> 
> When they were together, Sean drowned in bliss, lost in the kind of open and deeply sensual closeness that he had never allowed himself to feel before. They never spoke openly of their feelings, and torn between anguished longing and confused guilt, Sean foundered, uncertain of what to do. Yet even in the midst of this bewilderment he could no longer deny that he was totally and completely in love.
> 
> Now he tried to look away, forcing himself to ignore the heat that surged through his body when he gazed at his young co-star. But his eyes were drawn back again and again… to Elijah.
> 
> He had tossed his costume to the floor where it lay unheeded, then donned a pair of scruffy jeans and flung himself into the makeup chair. Sighing wearily he stretched his arm toward the counter, reaching for his cigarettes. “Fuck, man! I’m bushed!”
> 
> Sean, nodded. “Me too.” The sight of Elijah’s chest was mesmerizing. His skin was silken, creamy perfection touched with shades of rose. The soft swell of his pectorals made Sean’s mouth water with the desire to touch that perfect skin… taste it… make it his own.
> 
> With an effort, he turned his back and continued to remove his own costume, carefully folding the individual items and setting them neatly in his chair. The familiar ritual eased his mind. Forced him to think about something other than Elijah. _Anything_ other than Elijah.
> 
> Never before had the body of another man left him weak and trembling with need. Never before had he silently and secretly yearned for any kiss the way he yearned for Elijah’s. The thought of feeling those soft, full lips against his own nearly brought him to his knees.
> 
> But the physical sensations, as powerful as they were, seemed insignificant when compared with the ever deepening love that he felt for his generous and sweet-tempered co-star. The intimacy and trust that flowed unhesitatingly between them was stronger and more meaningful than anything Sean had ever experienced before, even with Christine.
> 
> Every day was a desperate struggle to cope with his feelings… feelings that grew stronger and more compelling every time they were together. He tried with all his strength to fight them, to talk himself out of them, to reason them away. All to no avail. He had a pregnant wife at home. He had a daughter whom he adored. But all he could think about or long for was a slender young actor with eyes like shimmering sapphires.
> 
> Now, trembling and frightened, he yanked on his clothes and grabbed his keys from the counter. “Gotta run, Elwood,” he said, his back still turned to the makeup chair where Elijah sat smoking.
> 
> “Why?” Elijah asked quietly. “Sean? Why do you have to go?”
> 
> Sean turned toward him trying to smile. “Well, like you said… feeling beat. Ready to call it a day. Aren’t you?” Presenting this false face to Elijah filled him with self-loathing, and the look on Elijah’s face spoke more eloquently than words. He wasn’t fooling anyone. Elijah knew he was faking. This pretense of ‘casual indifference’ was the worst acting Sean had ever done.
> 
> Elijah said nothing. He leaned back in his chair, boneless and relaxed. His head tilted slightly, looking quizzically at Sean, then he lifted the cigarette to his lips. His soft, full mouth pursed slightly as he drew the smoke into his lungs and the sight struck Sean like a physical blow. Then Elijah lowered his arm, the cigarette dangling nonchalantly between his fingers, and blew smoke casually in Sean’s direction. His pose… his every gesture… seemed sensual and unspeakably provocative.
> 
> “C’mere,” Elijah murmured, extending his hand.
> 
> Sean tried to speak, but couldn’t. He took a defensive step backward, nearly stumbling over his chair.
> 
> “You asked if I needed anything. Well… I need something, Sean.”
> 
> “What do you need?” Sean asked softly, his chest tight with rising panic.
> 
> Elijah stubbed out the cigarette then extended his hand even further. “Just… c’mere, Sean.”
> 
> Sean took an unsteady step toward him, hearing a litany of warnings explode in his mind. _Don’t do this! If you do, nothing will ever be the same again! Once you’ve touched him… there’s no way back. Not ever. No way back._
> 
> As clearly as if it were unfolding on a movie screen, Sean saw what his life would become if he listened to his heart and did what it seemed in this moment that he _must_ do. Darkness and anguish lie ahead. Not just for him but for everyone who loved him. He could have what he wanted most. He could have what his soul yearned for. But the cost would be terrible.
> 
> Yet, to turn away from Elijah now would be a death knell to his heart. He knew that this was his one chance to feel the kind of love he was capable of feeling… the kind of love he desperately needed. But to surrender to his feelings and move into Elijah’s embrace brought another kind of death. The death of innocence. The death of fidelity. The death of the person he had always believed himself to be.
> 
>  _It’s already too late_ , Sean thought, feeling an overwhelming sadness fill his heart. _I **know** now. I can never again **not** know. It’s already too late._
> 
> His eyes filled with tears as he bent over Elijah’s chair. Gently he placed his hand on Elijah’s chest, covering his heart. His breath caught in a sob as he felt Elijah’s heart pound beneath his fingers and his head fell forward in defeat. After a momentary struggle for control, he lifted his eyes to meet Elijah’s.
> 
> “I love you, Sean. You know that, don’t you?”
> 
> Wordlessly, Sean nodded. “And you know that I love you too, don’t you?” he whispered breathlessly.
> 
> Elijah nodded. “Isn’t it time to stop the games?”
> 
> With tears streaming down his cheeks, Sean bent and pressed his lips to Elijah’s in a slow, lingering kiss; wishing as he did that this kiss which he had so longed for would never end… _never_. Elijah’s lips were as soft as Sean had always imagined they would be. Gently, his tongue traced the outline of that perfect mouth and he heard Elijah moan softy as his tongue caressed Sean’s in response. Eyes closed, Sean gasped at the touch, drowning in bliss more rapturous than any he had ever known. Then, with a tremendous effort of will, he rose, trying not to see the bewildered look on Elijah’s face.
> 
> “I love you,” he breathed. “Please don’t ever forget that, Elijah. I love you with all my heart.”
> 
> Then he turned and, like a blind man, lurched out the door.

Sighing, Sean stepped off the treadmill and drank long and deeply from his water bottle. Then he wandered to his private shower.

Neither of them had ever spoken of that conversation. They had stayed friends, of course; close friends. And Sean was grateful that Elijah hadn’t drawn away from him. But at the same time he was painfully aware that Elijah’s treatment of him had become deliberately and carefully neutral. Never once did his behavior step outside the boundaries of friendship. No lingering looks. No real intimacy in his touch. It was only at the rarest of moments that he expressed the closeness that Sean craved with his every breath. And Sean’s heart broke in two.

Now, almost ten years later, he seldom let himself think of Middle-earth and their journey together filming _The “Lord of the Rings_.”. Memories of that time were simply too painful to endure, so Sean had forced them to the back of his mind. Sam, who had once felt like part of him, was now a distant recollection.

And yet… there were times when the memories awakened. Forced to the surface by questions asked during conversations, or in interviews, or at the occasional fan convention. At such times Sean responded as honestly as he dared while internally he wept in anguish, longing to once again be close to the one he loved… the one he knew he would always love.

Like a ship without a rudder, he drifted, moving from one project to another, from one interest to another. Nothing held him for long except his children. He tried not to see the apprehension in Christine’s eyes and brightly reassured her that all was well anytime she voiced concern about their marriage. And all the while he tried not to think of Elijah, and tried not to think of Elijah, and tried… and tried.

But no matter how hard he worked to focus on other things, eventually he surrendered to his need and, usually in the middle of the night, thoughts of the astonishing young actor would fill his consciousness. Memories of his satin smooth skin, and his brilliant mind, and his outstretched hand on the day they had kissed, but most of all his eyes of shimmering sapphire.

Now Sean showered and dressed, trying not to dwell on the fact that in a few short hours he would once again gaze into those eyes. They seldom spent time alone these days. They kept in touch of course, but their communication consisted of the polite dialogue exchanged by two old but distant friends. Sean craved a more intimate and passionate communion with him, but fear held him captive and silenced his voice.

He wandered, naked, into his office, scrubbing a towel through his hair, fighting off feelings of panic. _I could call him and cancel,_ he thought, then shook his head. _No. I can’t do that. No matter what it costs me I have to see him. God help me, I **need** to see him._

As he shrugged into his clothes his eyes were drawn to the various copies of _“The Lord of the Rings_ ” which were displayed in a single row on his bookshelf. Some were paperbacks which he had carried around on the set. Some combined the trilogy into a single volume while others were individual copies of the three books. At the very end of the bookshelf sat Sean’s favorite, the exquisite hardcover version which had been illustrated by Alan Lee.

He walked to his bookshelf and fingered the spine of this magnificent work, untouched for many years. Slowly he drew it from the shelf. There were bookmarks in several places, bookmarks which distinguished passages that Sean had found especially meaningful as he tried to understand and _become_ Samwise Gamgee. He had read these special passages many, many times and committed most of them to memory.

Now, turning to the first of them he read aloud: _“'I don't know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead, in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can't turn back. It isn't to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want - I don't rightly know what I want; but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through, sir, if you understand me.”_

The passage was stunningly evocative. It seemed to sum up everything he had felt then, and continued to feel even now, years after the movies had been filmed. He felt hot tears sting his eyes and for an irrational moment he wondered if Sam were trying to speak to him… to convey his gentle wisdom in the only way open to him.

“I can’t turn back,” he whispered, his trembling fingers stroking the page. “I’ve been **trying** to turn back for years now, but I can’t. I knew it then. I knew it was already too late.” He replaced the book and fell into his chair, worrying a fingernail. _My marriage…_ , he thought. _… my home… my family. They’ve been my Shire… my familiar place of comfort and safety._ He sighed and looked about him. “But what I have to do,” he murmured in a soft voice “and who I have to **become** doesn’t lie here. It lies ahead. It lies with - _him_. It always has.”

He dashed the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand and rose. It was nearly time to leave. He would tell Elijah tonight. He would tell him how he felt. He would tell him even knowing that it would probably make no difference what-so-ever. Elijah had a partner in Pam and seemed totally content in that relationship. He had no illusions about his place in Elijah’s life… or Elijah’s heart.

But Sean owed him the truth. He had been false for years, not only to Elijah but to himself and to everyone else in his life. The time for falsehood was over. If he accomplished nothing else this evening, he would accomplish that much. He would become an honest person for the first time in years. He would show the one he loved the truth that lived and breathed in his heart. He would make Sam proud of him one last time.

“Oh god,” Sean whispered. “I’m afraid.” Then he thought of Sam. “He knew he was walking into darkness too,” Sean said. “But he also knew he couldn’t turn back. And neither can I.”

As he drove to the restaurant to meet Elijah, he tried to practice what he would say and how he would say it. He searched his mind for the right words, thinking up new phrases then immediately discarding them as inadequate. Finally he gave up. _I really **am** like Sam now_ , he thought. _My head isn’t the best part of me anymore. I can’t compose some pre-fabricated speech to give him like reading a script. I simply have to wait ‘til I’m with him and let my heart speak for me._

Elijah was late getting to the restaurant, but he had made reservations and when Sean gave his name, the waiter led him to a secluded table and told him that Elijah would be there shortly. The reprieve gave Sean a few minutes to compose himself and by the time he saw Elijah approaching their table he felt able to greet him with relative calm.

“Hey dude,” Elijah said cheerfully, wrapping Sean in a one-armed hug. “How’s it going?”

Sean returned his embrace, feeling giddy from the scent of Elijah’s hair and skin. _I’ve got to relax!_ he told himself. He had resolved on the drive to the restaurant that no matter how Elijah responded, he would try to present himself with dignity. One of the qualities he loved most about Elijah was his seemingly unshakable poise. He seemed to approach every situation in his life with an inborn grace. _God,_ Sean prayed. _… let me show just a little of that grace tonight. Please!_

They talked casually for a few minutes, asking each other polite questions about family and friends. Then Elijah cleared his throat and drew in a deep breath. “Seanie,” he began, then glanced up quickly. “Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe you’d rather I didn’t call you that.”

Elijah was the only person in Sean’s life who had ever been allowed to call him ‘Seanie’. Even when he was a child, Sean had hated the moniker. It had seemed an immature and faintly condescending nickname when said by anyone else. But to his shock the word had taken on an endearingly intimate quality when uttered by Elijah. And it still did.

“Of course you can call me that,” Sean replied, smiling. “I like it when you call me ‘Seanie’.”

Elijah’s eyebrows rose. “You do?”

“You were about to say something, Elwood?” Sean prompted. “Or,” he added teasingly, “would you rather I didn’t call you that.”

Elijah gave a fake scowl. “Wise ASS-tin,” he quipped, as he had so many times in the past.

They both laughed easily, feeling some of their awkwardness melt away; feeling a hint of the old familiarity and comfort.

The waiter returned with wine and they both gave him their orders. Neither of them had given the menu more than a perfunctory glance and quickly chose the first item their eyes had fallen on.

Alone once more, Sean raised his glass in Elijah’s direction. “To you,” he murmured.

Without missing a beat Elijah’s glass rose in response. “Back atcha’,” he said softly.

For a long moment they looked deeply into each other’s eyes. Sean felt the contact with the force of a physical blow. Elijah’s gaze seemed to drain him of will. For a moment he found breathing difficult, then he swallowed hard and forced himself to relax and sip his wine.

Elijah gave him a small smile and followed his lead, sipping his wine in silence.

“You said you wanted to see me,” Sean said softly.

Elijah shrugged but said nothing.

“Was there a reason?” Sean asked.

Elijah seemed to consider the question, his eyes still fixed on Sean’s. “I missed you, Sean.” he said finally. “Why else would I want to see you? Does there have to be some extra special reason for us to have dinner?”

“I didn’t think you ever gave me a thought,” Sean told him.

“ _Sure_ you did,” Elijah uttered dryly, clearly not believing him.

“I _did_ think that,” Sean countered. “Honestly.”

“That was monumentally foolish of you,” Elijah said flatly.

Surprised and confused, Sean made no response. He sipped his wine, trying to recover his composure. The sight of Elijah seated across the table from him was difficult to deal with. His response to Sean’s remark made coping that much harder.

It was a struggle to get past the effect of Elijah’s breathtaking beauty. He’d always been striking of course, but age had added a depth which had not been present during their time in New Zealand. Maturity had served to intensify everything Sean loved about him. The angles of his face bereft of their youthful softness, projected a potent magnetism. His eyes seemed darker and more compelling. His grace and intelligence were unchanged but seemed to flow from a more thoughtful source. And, as always, he conveyed a sense of inner centeredness which Sean had never been able to experience.

He yearned to tell Elijah how beautiful he was, but he didn’t know how to voice the feelings that filled his heart. He felt fearful of appearing too eager… too sappy. “You’re so,” he swallowed hard, “– so grown up,” he said haltingly.

Elijah laughed. “It’s been ten years, Seanie. Of course I’ve grown up.” He shrugged out of his jacket then reached into its pocket as if searching for a cigarette. In a flash Sean recalled the memory he’d had on the treadmill this afternoon. Of Elijah in the makeup chair those many years ago. Of his lips as they pursed around the cigarette. Of the kiss that Sean would never let himself forget.

“Don’t!” Sean said sharply. He simply didn’t think he could re-live any part of that memory. Not without a lot more wine.

“Don’t what?” Elijah said, laughingly.

“Don’t smoke. I mean – I don’t think they allow smoking here.”

“I wasn’t going to smoke,” Elijah said, leaning forward. “What’s wrong with you? You seem so…” he hesitated, and then sighed. “You seem so uncomfortable. Do you not want to have dinner with me, Sean? Please be honest.”

 _Honest_ , Sean thought. _That was the whole point to being here tonight wasn’t it. To be honest with him for the first time in years._

“I want very much to have dinner with you,” Sean told him. “Please forgive me, Elijah. It’s just that hearing from you today brought a lot of feelings to the surface.”

“What kind of feelings?” Elijah asked him.

Sean lowered his head. He struggled to speak, to find words which could define his feelings. Then he glanced up apologetically. “Lij, I – I just can’t...” He shook his head in frustration and smiled. “I can’t talk about it just yet. Would you give me another minute? And maybe a bit more wine?”

Elijah laughed softly. “You have absolutely **no** idea how adorable you are, do you.”

Shocked, Sean’s mouth fell open. “Me?”

“You,” Elijah told him firmly. “You have the sweetest face on Earth, Sean. You always have had. And when you smile, you just about break my heart.” He reached across the table and patted Sean’s hand. “Take all the minutes you need. I’m in no rush.”

“I love you,” Sean blurted out. His eyes immediately widened in shock. Those three words were the last thing he had expected to say. They had come without warning, as if pulled from the deepest part of his being with no conscious volition on his part. It was as if someone else spoke through him.

Elijah’s eyes had widened too, and he leaned forward slightly, narrowing the distance between them. “You do?” he whispered, his voice incredulous.

For a moment Sean simply stared at him, still stunned by his own impulsive admission. Then he forced himself to relax. “I told you once not to ever forget that I love you,” Sean reminded him gently.

“And I didn’t,” Elijah responded. “But the love you felt for me caused you more pain than joy. It didn’t seem to me like something **you** wanted to remember.”

Sean reached impulsively for Elijah’s hand just as the waiter arrived with their food. Embarrassed, he quickly withdrew and waited silently with lowered eyes while they were served.

Eventually Sean glanced up to see Elijah smiling at him with a knowing look on his face.

“Problem?”

Sean blushed, feeling awkward and frighteningly vulnerable. He hated having this conversation in such a public place. Their table couldn’t be seen by the other customers, but he could hear the murmur of their voices and the clink of their silverware as they ate. Self-conscious now, his instinct was to play the clown. He pointed at Elijah’s food with his fork. “Looks good!” he teased. “You should eat.” Then he prodded his own food with disinterest. “Did I really order this? What’s _wrong_ with me?”

“Sean, knock it off,” Elijah said, not unkindly, rejecting Sean’s attempts to distract him. “We were talking about you _loving_ me?”

Mollified, Sean stared at his plate without really seeing it. “We were,” he sighed.

“Are you and Chris unhappy together?” Elijah asked.

Sean sighed and shrugged, tossing his fork down. “I don’t know, Lij. Ever since New Zealand we’ve tiptoed around each other like two punch-drunk prizefighters. We walk on eggs like we’re on the verge of a battle that we never fight. “ He looked up at Elijah, and when he spoke his voice was heavy with sorrow: “We’re both afraid of what would happen if we confronted the reality of our relationship. I’m…” he squirmed in self-disgust. “I’m _comfortable_ there, Elijah. I’m safe there. But happy?” He shrugged. “God, I’m not sure I know what happiness _is_ anymore.”

Elijah said nothing.

“Know this, Elijah,” Sean said decisively, reaching to take his hand. “I’m not over you. I’m not ever going to **get** over you. I knew ten years ago that you were all I loved and all I needed. But I had a pregnant wife and a child. I didn’t know what to do.”

“You did the right thing,” Elijah said quietly.

“I’m not so sure,” Sean murmured. “I’ve lived a lie for a decade. I hurt Chris. I hurt you. I hurt myself. Where’s the ‘right’ in that, Elijah?”

Elijah’s fingers tightened on his. “And now?” he asked.

“Now…,” Sean began. Then he paused. When he finally spoke again his voice was soft and uncertain. “I wish I knew,” he murmured. “I want to feel confident about everything. I want to tell you that I’m sure of what to do from this moment forward and that I’m absolutely convinced that it’s the right thing. I want to be able to offer you something other than doubt and indecision. But I can’t, Elijah. I came here tonight only sure of one thing… that I had to be honest with you. That I had to tell you how I feel about you. Beyond that, I had no plan. No thought for the future.”

“I’m not sure we need a plan for our future just yet,” Elijah told him gently. “Maybe we should take this one day at a time for awhile.”

“What about you?” Sean asked. “You have someone in your life now too. Is she what you want?”

“She’s what I needed, Sean. She’s a friend who I love. But she understands me. She understands how I feel about many things… including you.”

And there was the crux of it for Sean. How **did** Elijah feel about him? He was terrified to ask, but more terrified not to. “Do you…,” Sean hesitated, then continued, stammering. “I mean, are you…”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you, Seanie,” Elijah said quietly. “But I didn’t know how you felt. That’s why I called.” For a long moment he silently looked past Sean, as if pondering the wisdom of saying more, chewing his lower lip. Then once again his eyes met Sean’s. “Other decisions I need to make depended on my knowing the truth. That’s why I had to see you. I had to know how you felt, Sean. A lot depends on it.”

Sean laughed softly. “There’s only one thing I _am_ totally sure of. We only kissed once, Elijah, but I’ve been yours from that moment to this. I was never the same after New Zealand. I was… different. Like Sam.”

“Like Sam?” Elijah asked, clearly confused.

“Yes, like Sam,” Sean told him in a soft voice. “I saw ahead in a kind of way… like he did. I saw that we were taking a long road into darkness. And even though I wasn’t sure what I wanted exactly… I knew that my path lie down that road.”

“Sean,” Elijah began.

“No, wait. Let me finish.”

Elijah fell silent, but he squeezed Sean’s fingers encouragingly.

“Sam didn’t turn away,” Sean said, his voice thickening as tears welled up in his eyes. “He knew he had to see it through. But I turned away, Elijah. I gave in to my fear. And I haven’t known a truly peaceful moment since then.”

“Come on,” Elijah soothed. “You didn’t want to hurt your family. That’s not something to beat yourself up over. I haven’t been happy either, Sean. But I took comfort in the fact that we did what we needed to do to protect them. I could have pushed it, Seanie. And if I had, you might not have been _able_ to walk away from me. I knew that. But I didn’t do it. I couldn’t. So I turned away, too. It’s not all on you.”

Sean looked at him gratefully, drawing in a deep, calming breath. They had been inching closer to each other across the table as they spoke, clutching each other’s hands. Now, Elijah leaned back.

“Look, if we’re not going to eat this stuff…,” he began, gesturing toward his food.

Sean nodded, then he released Elijah’s hand and looked down at his plate with distaste. “Hmmm. I’ll bet it was expensive, too.” He gave Elijah a small smile. “You picking up the tab?”

Elijah’s response was to dip his fingers in his water glass and flick droplets onto Sean’s face.

“Hey,” Sean told him, laughing. “I have to watch my finances. I may be paying alimony soon.”

“Well, we’re not at that point quite yet.”

“Let’s leave,” Sean implored suddenly. “Please, Elijah.”

“You have something in mind?” Elijah asked, tossing his napkin to the table.

“Yeah,” Sean said. “I’d like very much to finish what I started ten years ago.”

For a moment Elijah sat in silence, staring at the discarded napkin.

Seeing his hesitation, Sean spoke tenderly, “I didn’t mean that we have to rush off somewhere and make love.”

“Would that be a bad thing?” Elijah asked, starting to rise.

“No,” Sean replied, “it wouldn’t. But it also wouldn’t be a bad thing to simply sit alone together and talk.”

Elijah donned his jacket, drew out his wallet and tossed two one-hundred dollar bills onto the table then turned to Sean and smiled. “OK, Astin. Let’s go to my place. We can be alone there and talk… all night if you want. Maybe figure out together where to go from here.”

Sean nodded and rose from the table. “God, Elijah, that sounds wonderful.” Moving quickly to his side, he stroked Elijah’s cheek with the back of his trembling fingers. “Thank you,” he whispered. “God, Lij… I’m so grateful to you.”

Elijah shook his head and Sean saw the eyes of shimmering sapphire shine with unshed tears.

“If we pull this off,” Elijah said in an unsteady voice, “we’ll both have a lot to be grateful for.”

Sean nodded and pressed a gentle kiss to Elijah’s temple. He was still frightened, but he would no longer allow his fear hold him captive. He could feel Elijah’s caution… feel his uncertainty. It would take time to rebuild the bond of trust between them. But he could also feel that the foundations of love laid so long ago in their own Middle-earth were still strong and unshakable. He would build on those foundations. He would see this through because he knew that, for him, it was the right thing to do… the only thing to do. No longer would he drift like an aimless wanderer. He now had a rudder to guide him.

As they left the restaurant, Sean’s arm crept hesitantly about Elijah’s shoulders and to his delight he felt Elijah’s strong arm encircle his waist and tug him closer. Happiness flared in his chest, a warm and inviting flame filled with promise and the hope of joy. Like Sam, he knew that there would be dark days ahead. But his path was set now. He was committed. There were no guarantees, no way of knowing with any real certainty what would come next or where this path would take them. But this much _was_ certain… he would never turn away again.


End file.
